A Life After Trauma

TRIGGER WARNING: This post discusses a suicide attempt in detail, alcohol abuse, involuntary stay in a psyche ward, and significant emotional abuse.     I haven’t posted in a while. I ended up in the psyche ward on an emergency hold a month ago. Let’s see if I can find it in me to tell all.    So, first, my mom, while discussing the day my dad tried to shoot us, said it didn’t happen to me, so I shouldn’t be upset. He pointed that gun at both of us, and I was there. I have every right to be upset. I asked her to go away. She was very dramatic as she did so. I tried calling her to work it out, but we fought more. Eventually, she returned and did an “I’m running away” thing but returned in half an hour.     I felt searing anguish and pain in my heart, so I decided to get wasted, which made me cold, callus, and very amused by the ridiculousness of my life. My mom described my amusement as evil. After that, I took a bottle of pills, drank more, then told m...

    TRIGGER WARNING: This entry mentions a family member’s suicide attempt.    When someone blames you for a parent's suicide attempt, you never want to set them off again. The backbone I had as a child has gone soft, and I say whatever my dad wants to hear, even if it suffocates me.    My mom says I need to tell him how I feel and ask him my questions. He’s blatantly lied to me. He fabricated a whole story of living in a Sober Living group home still and telling me his roomies were calling, so he had to call me back three times. He also wouldn’t take my call till he got out of bed and drove away from where he lived.    Then two days later, he says he moved out of Sober Living 1 month ago. A month ago? What? I knew I’d been lied to. Now a week later, my mom has me confront him. I asked him why he lied to me, but he played dumb. And it hurt.    First, he claimed I called him a month ago when he lived there. I told him it was a week ago. H...

TRIGGER WARNING: This entry mentions physical child abuse, gun violence, self-harm, drug seeking, & detailed descriptions of panic attacks & toxic behavior.    Learning to drive is always stressful. But when you have PTSD and BPD, it’s even worse. As a kid, before I got beat and when my dad pulled the gun on me and my mom, I felt terror. A terror that shut down my brain and floored my body. Now I relive it every time I fear I’ve disappointed my mom.     I forgot my blinkers, my mom notifies me, then I stomp my foot on the brakes, block my eyes or ears with my hands, and shout out on repeat, “I’m so sorry! I’m such a fucking failure!” As I feel terror and my brain completely shuts down. I’m running on pure instinct. The whole moment feels like a quick lightning flash in my mind. I’m so sure something is about to happen to me, and I’m unable to use my brain to process anything.    Then BPD takes the wheel. “You’re not a failure,” my mom says to m...

  TRIGGER WARNING: This entry mentions physical abuse & describes in detail severe emotional child abuse & school bullying.    One of my reoccurring problems in therapy is my chronic self-hatred and an innate feeling of worthlessness. Why am I certain I’m so despicable? While none of the following makes the thoughts logical, they do make them reasonable. So let’s delve into the dark depths of my mind.    As a kid, I was bullied constantly by the entire elementary school, older kids, younger kids, and kids who had never heard of me. They all picked on me. And although now my therapist, when saying, “Not everyone hates you,” is correct… back then, I was constantly told, “The whole school can’t be bullying you,” when they were. I remember being so mad and frustrated that no one believed me. Then again, the teachers treated me with disdain as well. They thought my “ADHD” made me a burden to teach. One teacher forced me into child psychology because he though...

  TRIGGER WARNING: This entry mentions suicide.    There is nothing more important to me than being a big sister. To love them is heaven, and to lose them is hell. I’ve always dreamed of being close to them and being accepted and returning the favor. To protect them and guide them.    But today, another of my siblings turned 18. And again, I wish I could explain to them why I’m not there, why my relationship with my bio dad is so strained and always has been. To tell them I love them more than they could ever know. And that this distance is torture.    I’m an only child of 11. 2 sisters on my bio mom's side, and one of them I lost when my bio mom disowned me. The other I lost when my bio mom told her lies about me so I’d be hurt when I got rejected again. My bio dad is another story-nine siblings raised in a conservative Christian cult. Growing up, I kept everything secret from them because my whole life story was all taboo to theirs. How could I possi...

  NO TRIGGER WARNINGS    I remember hearing on a youtube video that young people aren’t getting driver's licenses anymore, followed by criticism of today's youth by an old guy. Then I noticed some facts that someone must point out, so here we go.    Conservatives like this older man tend to cluster in the country. The country states have smaller towns and less traffic. They also have back roads. Growing up in California, learning to drive terrified me. There was nowhere to safely practice except the Saddleback Church parking lot, which banned student drivers from using it. The idea of going from clueless about driving to traffic-congested, fast-paced, road-raged streets is a nightmare. Now in Wyoming, I’ve almost got my license because no other cars mean no fear of fucking up or hurting someone, mostly.    Where does this connect to my Blog point? Well, the second reason for the lack of new drivers is parents. Is it just me, or has anyone else noticed ...