Abuse Comes in Many Shapes

   NO TRIGGER WARNINGS

   No two abuse stories are the same. Ask most survivors, and they’ll each have very different views on their experience. But even more confusing is when you’ve survived multiple experiences with different characters. You’re left trying to understand the difference.

   My adoptive dad is a classic abuser. He hurts because he can, and it never fails to get him his way. My adoptive mom is another story. Her abuse I’ve come to call reactive abuse or self-defense that she’s misdirected. She feels like a victim because she is. She’s struggling, and it’s unfortunate what that means for me, but it’s pretty evident that she is not an abuser.

   My bio mom is another classic abuser. Her love exists as long as her control of you. But when she can’t control you, that love is sickly ripped away with full awareness of the pain it’ll cause. In the hopes that you come crawling back. But if you don’t? Then she crawls after you to make you suffer. I’d describe my bio dad as a neglecter. He abuses by doing nothing and not caring about how that sounds or makes him look—the absent father tale.

   But where does the path turn? When did my adoptive dad and bio mom turn so cold? It seems like an abuser is born when a victim says, “Care about you!? Who’s going to care about me!?” When healing their hurt becomes more important than ANYTHING else.

   So what does this mean for dealing with an abusive family? Interact as much as is safe for your mind and body. You don’t owe them anything, but it’s not hard to imagine, I’m sure, that you could be in their shoes if a few circumstances changed, so if you want to show mercy, then do so with caution. Just know that staying in that comforting yet mythical world of good vs. evil will only make you worse, not better. The real world does not work like that.

-Anemone