“Don’t Talk About It”

  TRIGGER WARNING: This entry mentions suicide.

   There is nothing more important to me than being a big sister. To love them is heaven, and to lose them is hell. I’ve always dreamed of being close to them and being accepted and returning the favor. To protect them and guide them.

   But today, another of my siblings turned 18. And again, I wish I could explain to them why I’m not there, why my relationship with my bio dad is so strained and always has been. To tell them I love them more than they could ever know. And that this distance is torture.

   I’m an only child of 11. 2 sisters on my bio mom's side, and one of them I lost when my bio mom disowned me. The other I lost when my bio mom told her lies about me so I’d be hurt when I got rejected again. My bio dad is another story-nine siblings raised in a conservative Christian cult. Growing up, I kept everything secret from them because my whole life story was all taboo to theirs. How could I possibly share myself with them when I’m a dirty, no-good sinner?

   I always figured I’d one day get permission from my bio dad to talk to them genuinely. But I can’t even speak genuinely with him, to begin with. I’m the evil influence, the crazy person, the rotten brat. Even when I do share my story, he responds with silence. Then I’m met with stubborn pride if I address that silence. My bio dad would instead go without me forever than admit he’s not perfect. Imagine that.

   All I want from either bio parent is compassion. Just a show of emotional support would be grand. However, an apology for this awful alienation would need to come first. I won’t get any of that because, as my therapist puts it, they have mental problems too that they need to work out before they could ever give me either of those.

   One of my favorite singers is SkyDxddy. She’s a pop-rapper who often sings of mental illness experiences, especially PTSD. She calls it “traumacore,” aka music “by survivors for survivors.” And while listening to her song “Don’t Talk About It,” I realized how ordinary it is for people not to care like that. How they give you sweet cliches, but the moment you need to talk, they disappear. How when they need a rescue, you’re always there, yet they will not return the compassion. Even though they pretend it will be. I’ve stayed up all night talking people down from suicide. Strangers mostly, but nobody but my adoptive mom has done that for me.

“I give everything I have and it’s still not enough, that’s why the only thing left in me is just giving up.

You say “hang in there baby” it sounds so easy and basic. I don’t need your two cents, maybe you should save it. 

Takin’ too much credit for all your little clichés, you don’t know what’s in my head or why I numb my pain away. 

You don’t care neither, what else is new? 

I don’t need you to be fake, I needed someone to talk to.”

🎤SkyDxddy

   The pain hurts, but the reality is what it is. You may feel unbearable pain, and I won't say it gets better because you already know that’s not true. But I will tell you that family is a choice. You can choose to have a new one. Your true friends, the relatives that support you, those who lend a helping hand, those ARE your family. And don’t let anyone else tell you otherwise.

-Anemone