Living with PTSD & BPD

TRIGGER WARNING: This entry mentions physical child abuse, gun violence, self-harm, drug seeking, & detailed descriptions of panic attacks & toxic behavior.


   Learning to drive is always stressful. But when you have PTSD and BPD, it’s even worse. As a kid, before I got beat and when my dad pulled the gun on me and my mom, I felt terror. A terror that shut down my brain and floored my body. Now I relive it every time I fear I’ve disappointed my mom. 

   I forgot my blinkers, my mom notifies me, then I stomp my foot on the brakes, block my eyes or ears with my hands, and shout out on repeat, “I’m so sorry! I’m such a fucking failure!” As I feel terror and my brain completely shuts down. I’m running on pure instinct. The whole moment feels like a quick lightning flash in my mind. I’m so sure something is about to happen to me, and I’m unable to use my brain to process anything.

   Then BPD takes the wheel. “You’re not a failure,” my mom says to me. “Yes, I am! Now tell me why!” I reply. She insists I’m not. I insist she knows I am. My driving gets erratic, so I have to pull over. My heart fills with pain, desperation, and anger. The fight spirals as I become vicious, and she is vicious in return. The pain overwhelms me. I grab a knife and cut myself. She tries to stop me from doing it again. So I run away. I wish I had a bottle of booze or some drugs to numb the pain 

   Once time had passed, I realized how ridiculous my behavior was and returned home. Only to continue this vicious cycle because I can’t seem to end it. I’m filled with guilt and shame as I know I’ll hear about this event from my therapist. And she has the right to tell me where I went wrong and how toxic this was, but that doesn’t mean I enjoy it. 

   Living with PTSD means getting triggered when you do and don’t expect it, and BPD means handling the situation it creates with toxicity. Some triggers are obvious, but others are vague and unavoidable. You never know the next time something will set you off, which can be pretty nerve-racking, let alone the attack itself.

   The most important thing, though, is taking responsibility for your behavior and actions regardless of what caused them and working hard to fix yourself and prevent it from happening again. It’s not easy, and it won’t happen overnight. But doing the work separates you from the monsters in your past.

-Anemone



Location: Wyoming, USA

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